[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Weirdos gonna weird.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories