*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”