Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
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i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Breaking news:
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
you know what ruined my childhood? children
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank