ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
This is why I hate group projects
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.