I’m not lazy
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When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
don’t we all
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
When I laugh on my period
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.