CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
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I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.