*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
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Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
The Friday File.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”