Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I was up all night reading about insomnia
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.