I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
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*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever