the three branches of government
You Might Also Like
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
never deleting this app.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”