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[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
saving face 👀
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I just ran a .003048K
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Breaking news:
What the hell happened in there??
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry