[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
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fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?