intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
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“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
my first day as a raccoon
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!