Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Put this video in the Louvre
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Best mom ever 😂
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
me refusing to leave twitter
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.