NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
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There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.