[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
I’m sure it’s fine.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems