[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.