there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no