my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
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A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Otters see a butterfly.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.