[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
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Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.