FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
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why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.