I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
then why did i get this email
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.