I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
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Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house