WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings ๐จ๐ธ๐พ’๐ป๐ฎ ๐ญ๐๐ฒ๐ท๐ฐ ๐น๐ป๐ธ๐ซ๐ช๐ซ๐ต๐
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[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I donโt get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Itโs really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
you grow upโ lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know youโre planning how to make someoneโs death look like an accident
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*getting murdered*
โWhen youโre done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?โ
They also CAN singโ๏ธ
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. Itโs noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either heโs dead or they really work. 10/10