the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
You Might Also Like
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Me if I was a dog
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.