I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
You Might Also Like
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Google assistant rules
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight