Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
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Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.