WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
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I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.