[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
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Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise