No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
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Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
I’ve had worse
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
pictures of spider-man
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
was Jim off killing horses or…
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.