[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
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[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.