How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
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It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.