Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
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A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”