I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
How does one answer this?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever