“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?