Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
the simulation is moving too fast
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism