Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
You Might Also Like
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
WHY?!
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.