I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
You Might Also Like
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
the simulation is moving too fast
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know