Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence