I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
A friend sent me this.