If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
new shirt idea
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party