When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
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I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
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self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I’m having an out of money experience.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease