It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
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No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Seek kebab; not attention
“Sheer Arrogance”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again