Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
God has left this place
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.