My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
The internet is magic sometimes.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat