Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
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My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??