Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather