My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
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My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you