if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
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Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.