Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado